🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.