🔗 Share this article

There's a revealing instance in Lukas Gage's new book where he refers to it a "early celebrity memoir". It's a humble quip, of course, but it's also true. Gage isn't megawatt famous – at least not yet. Likely, though, if you've seen him then you won't have forgotten him. In 2020, he went viral after sharing an tryout recording where the director – forgetting he wasn't on mute – was caught criticizing his living arrangements. "These individuals live in these small apartments," he states, before Gage intervenes to let him know he can listen to every word. The following year, Gage appeared in the debut installment of The White Lotus: in one scene, his role Dillon is discovered by a hotel guest standing completely undressed in the office, while said manager performs a sexual act on him.

"I thought: I don't have too much to do in the show so I'd better put my mark on it big," he says with a smile today. "I wanted to give people something to remember me by – and I did!"

Messy Characters and Life

Gage specialises in characters whose lives are messy and unstable – just like his own. That existence is all laid on the line in his memoir, which – here comes another self-deprecating joke – is called I Wrote this Book for Attention. Although humorously engaging, its content is anything but simple. We start with Gage's emotions of rejection by his father, then progress to substance abuse, sexual abuse, domestic issues, addiction, mental health conditions, shame, rocky romances and emotional pain. What we don't get all that much of is the glitz of fame. Gage readily admits he is at the start of his career. He has no great stores of wisdom to impart on success. So what was the reason of penning a memoir?

"I believe it's therapeutic for me to share my journey," he says over a video link from New York. "Throughout the Hollywood writers' strike I had the opportunity to really delve and go deep, so I just said: why not."

Childhood Years and Approval

Gage, 30, grew up in San Diego, and from an young age he was aware of his persistent need for approval. He remembers a gathering where he showed up, aged four, wearing heels and costume accessories; in particular, he recalls being hurt by his dad's evident distaste at what he was doing. Their bond never really healed – Gage's dad left and became increasingly remote with his sons (Gage has two older brothers) before starting with a new family.

Gage found it difficult to belong at school. He was a born actor, but this meant it was often challenging to know who the true Lukas was. "I was constantly trying on different hats and personalities, which I think was quite polarising for people," he says. It also had its advantages. Gage could effortlessly adopt the character of a straight-laced football player while privately filling his bag up with alcohol at the rear of the local store. He was sometimes compensated by classmates to call up and pretend to be their parents to get them out of class. "Becoming different people was natural to me," he remarks.

Dependency and Household Challenges

The memoir deals with addiction – predominantly his older brother's struggles with heroin that transform the admired brother he idolised into a weak shell, but also his mother's obsession with casino slot machines. An early win meant the family could afford to make the deposit on a larger house, but Gage laughs when I ask if she actually made money from gambling. "Ultimately, how much she spent was certainly a lot more than that."

It is amusing, he says. Until she had gone through the book, his mum hadn't really reconciled with this side of her character. "She talked to my siblings, like, 'Do you guys think this way too?' And they were all like, 'Naturally, we've been mentioning this since we were kids.'"

Gage has a lot of affection for his mum, who obviously raised her kids up in challenging conditions. But she had a difficulty reading it. "She felt as if she failed as a mother and I did not want her to feel that way whatsoever. I feel like even though there's these chaotic things that occurred to me, tough things, I truly loved the way that I was raised."

Discovering Self and Trauma

Gage didn't begin to find his real identity until he was sent to an acting summer camp as a child, where being loud, theatrical and expressive was actually supported. The time was transformative in good ways, but also in a terrible one. One night, he was joined in his shelter by a instructor who told Gage and a girl camper to embrace, take off their garments and rub their selves against each other while he masturbated. For a long time afterwards, he tried to dismiss the guilt it left him with.

"As with a lot of people who experience being abused, I felt like there was a willingness on my part because my body just checked out. I knew it was wrong. I knew that the circumstance should not be taking place. But I just ploughed through it."

Self-Criticism and Career Path

Gage is tough on himself in the book – and still is. He confesses to looking for "harsh critiques" of himself on the internet. "I dislike that I don't always regard my performance and work in the best light," he states. "I wish I could have more compassion with that part of myself."

Yet he accepts that this doubt drives him forward too. In secondary school, he appeared in a skin care commercial and spent the day on set inquiring about every query possible about audio and the job of grips. Despite his mum's concerns, he departed San Diego for Hollywood at the age of 18, staying in the Alta Cienega Motel where his hero Jim Morrison lived, on and off, between 1968 and 1970 (online comments – "Avoid completely from this DUMP!" – indicate it might not have been the most luxurious of lodgings).

Gage's big break should have come when he secured a part in Mad Men, as Sally Draper's crush. He told his whole family about it, but during a costume fitting he was forced to reveal the ink he'd had inked on his ribs, back and calf. "I had these agents saying to me: how could you damage this? How could you sabotage this? I don't think that was the best thing for a teenager to listen to when they've just missed out on something that significant."

These days, such tattoos would be covered up in minutes, but at that time he was dismissed and back to square one. The relentless rounds of tryouts and refusals were harsh, but at least he had been prepared well for them. "If I ever got turned down for a job, I would always feel: it's fine, it's not as bad as my dad leaving me for another household and kid," he remarks.

Persistence and Success

Gage persevered. The tale of how he deceived, pleaded and cheated to get an tryout for Assassination Nation, which eventually led to a role in the popular series Euphoria (as Tyler Clarkson, black-eyed and in a support) and then The White Lotus, could fill a book in itself. Gage remembers the oddity of filming The White Lotus in 2020, holed up in a high-end Hawaii hotel while the health crisis and the US vote raged on. It was in fact Gage, along with co-star Murray Bartlett, who pitched the idea that their intimate scene should be something a bit extra – and creator Mike White happily agreed. Gage chuckles remembering his mum's reaction. "She wrote me a message, like, 'What a cute bum, but maybe next time give me a heads-up that's going to happen when I'm watching with my companions.'"

It was while on set that Gage showed colleagues the recording in which his apartment was slated. Their reaction – surprised, amused, encouraging – convinced him to post it online. He wasn't prepared for the feedback it received: numerous articles, outpourings of support from fellow actors and unknown people alike, and a campaign against the filmmaker in question, none of which Gage had any control over. "I thought like people were much more mad about it than I was, which confused me," he {